"I swear with God as my witness, I will never pick up another man!...in a library...on a Saturday...unless he's cute...and drives a nice car. Amen."

Okay. So I was never one of these guys who got into the Golden Girls back in the day. Just didn't appeal to me. It was only years later, after coming out, that I realized second-hand just how big a touchstone GG was to so many gay men. And it kinda makes sense. The foursome exhibit, collectively and individually, traits that we boys enjoy. There's the self-confessed, uh, sexually generous one (Rue McClanahan/Blanche), the outspoken one who doesn't put up with bullshit of any sort (Bea Arthur/Maude...er, I mean Dorothy), the nice one who is just a bit ditzy for her own good (Betty White/Rose), and the ornery one who just lets her trap fly, and damn the consequences (Estelle Getty/Sophia). Still, it doesn't really appeal to me that much. Sit me down and force me to watch an episode? Sure. But I won't go out of my way to watch it.

Then again, I may have to reconsider. I may have missed something wonderful. Apparently, not only are Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia all lots of fun to watch, they are responsible for having recruited and seduced many young influenceable boys to the dark side back in the 1980s. At least, so sez Stephenson Billings, a right-wing Christian and probable closet case who writes for ChristWire.org.

Ho boy, do you have to read this article. Seriously, I'm amused and confused by it. I can't tell whether he's serious, or whether he's parodying the right wing Christian wackos who are suffering some sort of mental condition. If he's serious, then oblivious self-mockery was never so luscious to behold. Here's some fun tidbits from the article, for those of you who just don't have the time and/or attention span:

• "The Golden Girls television program was never much to look at. A foursome of Florida geriatrics getting agitated about pharmacy bills and shoulder pads - who could ever find such a thing interesting?" How about the author? He wrote over 1500 words about this show and believe me...he has a pretty good grasp on some of its arcana.


• "Our lonely boys...slender, unathletic children...were left out of the fun militarism of the Reagan years." I'm sorry, but I just don't reach this guy. How is militarism fun?


• "The show lit a match which enflamed their intense physical urges. With the utmost cruelty and immorality, the Golden Girls seized upon this opportunity to cross the hormonal wires of America's lost generation." Um, I think this guy is confusing this show with porn. But let's follow his convoluted logic, shall we?


• "When the rush of cheesecake and gabfests wore thin, these hairless boys needed a harder thrill...same-sex experimentation. What woman would have them now, anyway?" Um, maybe dumb women who don't know enough to avoid getting into self-defeating relationships with gay men? Or those who misguidedly think they can change them around. In the words of Henry Rollins, if you were gay and someone straight came up to you and said, "I can turn you around," don't you think you'd be REALLY certain of your sexual orientation at that point?


• "This led to the worse [sic] excesses of early homosexual visibility - the most enormous of drag queens, the dirtiest of leather daddies, the most enticing of twinkie boys, androgyny, overeating, public sex, and the birth of "camp." Dear God, where to start? That's quite a compliment, honoring the Golden Girls with being the fount from which all these aspects of gay culture sprang. But let's step back, shall we? Let's touch on just a few of these. Drag queens? Been around forever and ever - both enormous and tiny. They kicked off Stonewall, and quite honestly, every queer individual of every stripe owes a debt of gratitude to them. Leather daddies? Oh yeah, I can see where homespun, wholesome Rose Nylund inspired guys to don biker's caps, tight, tight leather pants, and put on a hypermasculine persona. Nothing to do with Marlon Brando in The Wild One or Tom of Finland's illustrations. Nothing whatsoever. Overeating? Oh yeah, that cornerstone of gay culture. Must have been all that cheesecake. If it weren't for us gay boys, the Cheesecake Factory would be kaput. And the birth of camp? Seriously? Um, go back to (at LEAST) 1930s Berlin, where cabaret shows were all the rage. There is where camp enjoyed a rampant heyday, if not its actual birth.

See, I feel stupid having to explain these things. I feel like I'm teaching a fifth grader for the millionth time that 2+2=4.

One more thing: How about his accusations of leather daddies and flaming queens who "attack with the swiftness of a ninja," then head off "groping someone's son in a Sears lavatory"? Ya know, this equating homosexuality with pedophilia has to STOP. We gay men aren't interested in boys. We're interested in men.

I have to stop. I can't stoop to this guy's inanity anymore. It's kinda useless for me to mock him at this point...he does such a good job of it himself. Instinct should seriously consider hiring him on as a regular contributor.

"And now, the sports news. I'm your host, Chuck Sirloin."

Stupid, stupid, stupid (and insanely obvious) sports news that gets people all riled up. Because, y'know, nothing - not even a war in Afghanistan, the muck and mire of health care reform, or the economy - can compare to the import of these luscious jewels. To wit:

- Tiger and his affair(s). OMG. Stop the presses. ANOTHER sports hero sticking his pee-pee in another warm, tight vagina that is not his by virtue of marriage. Can't imagine.

- Mark McGwire and his steroids. Heavens to Murgatroyd and pass me the smelling salts! A baseball player on steroids! People, it's not like those Popeye-sized forearms of his way back when didn't scream it out in the first place.

- Brent Favre (sic). Need I go into it? The sports poster child of growing old gracelessly. Either retire or don't. And the fact that he went to Minnesota after years with Green Bay, antagonizing one of the biggest rivalries in the country, made him even more of a twat.

- Overanalysis of anything football-related, for that matter. Seriously, people? The fact that we make a multi-billion dollar enterprise out of football is a joke to me. Yeah, I can get behind the whole "pride in your own city" thing. There's better ways to do it. The way that millions of people either a) spend hours examining and analyzing players and their abilities and their potential, or b) pretend that they do is hoarksome. Straight-guy dick-fencing of the worst kind. (As a gay man, I have to admit I don't mind examining and analyzing players and their, um, assets. Most specifically: linebackers in tight contour-accentuating uniforms that barely restrain their big guts and bubble butts. Yum. Oh, and Howie Long, too. At least looks-wise.)

The gayest video in the whole history of...the whole history!

This video is so many iridescent shades of FABULOUS I don't know where to start. I'm now looking at the world through rainbow-colored, triangle-shaped glasses.

1980s in full force, bitches! An aerobics competition! Sponsored by Crystal Light! Bright! Colors! Everywhere! Geometric shapes! Big hair and bangs! Cardigans with shoulder pads! Alan Thicke!

I would stop with the exclamation points, but there's such high energy I can't stop! Someone help me!

And these preening gym bunnies from the San Francisco Bay Club! Hot! Working an aerobics routine choreographed to Devo on speed and performed within a millimeter of its airbrushed life! Ass slaps and high kicks all 'round!

Now. I defy you to be depressed for the rest of the day.