Thursday, September 22, 2011

At least no one spilled a drink on me, right?

How to feel like Martha Dumptruck:
  • Go out on the town to do karaoke.
  • Forget to tell friends you're going out.
  • Find out that the bar you went to suddenly has a vastly different crowd.
  • Don't drink. (Alcohol, that is.)
  • Pick one of the most middle-of-the-road, boring songs you can think of to sing.
  • Sing it...ah, okay-like. Not fabulous.
  • Get tired of the spot.
  • Leave and go to another karaoke spot...this one at a watering hole with an established clientele.
  • Order more non-alcoholic drinks, and get the eye (not the good kind) from the bartender.
  • Feel sheepish, and order what you think is the smallest dessert on the menu to ease your qualms.
  • Freak out when you get a behemoth of a dessert. (Yes, you do have to eat it all, says your inner Jewish mom.)
  • Sing "Miss Chatelaine" by k.d. lang. In her register.
  • Once you're done, have the drag queen who is hosting ask you where you tucked your balls. (Let me reiterate: a drag queen is asking you this.)
  • Walk off and finish eating your huge slice of cake.
  • Notice that only one other person there seems to be eating, and it's rabbit food.
  • Did I mention no friends around? At all.
At least I can take solace in the fact that eventually, Martha ended up spending a fun evening of movies and popcorn with Veronica. Self-effacement, sweetie darlings. I do it all for you.

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