At least no one spilled a drink on me, right?

How to feel like Martha Dumptruck:

• Go out on the town to do karaoke.
• Forget to tell friends you're going out.
• Find out that the bar you went to suddenly has a vastly different crowd.
• Don't drink. (Alcohol, that is.)
• Pick one of the most middle-of-the-road, boring songs you can think of to sing.
• Sing it...ah, okay-like. Not fabulous.
• Get tired of the spot.
• Leave and go to another karaoke spot...this one at a watering hole with an established clientele.
• Order more non-alcoholic drinks, and get the eye (not the good kind) from the bartender.
• Feel sheepish, and order what you think is the smallest dessert on the menu to ease your qualms.
• Freak out when you get a behemoth of a dessert. (Yes, you do have to eat it all, says your inner Jewish mom.)
• Sing "Miss Chatelaine" by k.d. lang. In her register.
• Once you're done, have the drag queen who is hosting ask you where you tucked your balls. (Let me reiterate: a drag queen is asking you this.)
• Walk off and finish eating your huge slice of cake.
• Notice that only one other person there seems to be eating, and it's rabbit food.
• Did I mention no friends around? At all.

At least I can take solace in the fact that eventually, Martha ended up spending a fun evening of movies and popcorn with Veronica. Self-effacement, sweetie darlings. I do it all for you.